


==> Dirk: Write about your feelings.

by ghosty_goo



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Autistic Dirk Strider, Diary/Journal, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, chapters are gonna be short btw, i dont know what else to put haha, just Dirk writing about his feelings, sensory/auditory overload
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:48:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 2,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24589333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghosty_goo/pseuds/ghosty_goo
Summary: It's about time Dirk started doing something with his bottled up feelings. He never really knew how fucked up he was until he started writing everything down.
Relationships: John Egbert/Dirk Strider
Comments: 4
Kudos: 56





	1. March 18th

Roxy said I should start documenting my feelings. Well, she didn’t say document. More like

“I think you should start writing down your feelings, Di-Stri. It’s good for you, you know? I do that shit all the time.”

Actually, that’s exactly what she said. Never mind. How do I know that? She said it, like, three minutes ago. 

Anyway, I don’t really know how to do this type of stuff. Should I fucking put timestamps or something? I wouldn’t know, this is my first time doing this. I’m just writing whatever comes to mind at this point. I guess I’ll explain some shit. Like, why I’m doing this in the first place.

For the past few days I haven’t been getting up as fast as I normally do, I guess. What I mean is, like, when my alarm goes off, I just turn it off and lay in bed. Before that, I’d get out of bed immediately and start doing whatever the fuck I do. Now I just lay in bed staring at the fucking wall. Or maybe if I get lucky, I stare up at my boring ass ceiling. 

I’ve also been feeling really weird about this whole godtier thing. I don’t know how, but the idea of not dying is starting to feel more scary than dying. I don’t know how to explain it. 

And not to mention the fact that I’ve been just isolating myself in my room. I don’t even work on shit, I just sit around in my room and maybe draw sometimes but other than that it’s just sitting around. I mean, sometimes I’ll get up and get some food, like at specific times, but that’s it. 

Other than that, nothing interesting has really been happening lately. I’ve just been spending most of my time in my room.

I have found a love for playing Tetris, though. Shit gets intense. 

I guess that’s all I have to write down for now. I guess I’ll update this tomorrow or something. Whatever.

Date: March 18th


	2. March 19th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just,,, small spoilers for the epilogues/HS2. and haha yeah this story is set in the epilogues/HS2,,,, anyway!!! enjoy!!

It’s tomorrow now. Here’s what happened today;

Me, Roxy, Rose, and Dave all went out for lunch together. Just a family meet-up I guess. With all the shit going on with Jane and the troll kingdom, it was nice to just hang out in the carapace kingdom and chill. 

According to Rose, Kanaya’s trying to teach their kid how to speak Alternian for God knows why. Probably so Vriska can yell fuck at her own free will and Rose won’t lecture her about it. I have to say, I’d be pretty proud of Kanaya if that was the case. 

Nothing’s really going on with Roxy or Dave. All I know is that Harry’s being the little piece of shit he’s always been. 

In all honesty, Tav’s the only kid of my friends that I can actually fucking stand, even if he is Jane's kid.

But none of that really matters. 

In other news, I noticed that Roxy has really only been talking about Harry and Calliope when it comes to her relationships.

I hate gossip, but jesus christ, woman, just say you’re in love with Calliope already. It hurts to listen to you gush about them and then instantly say that you just think of them as a friend. 

But whatever, Roxy said to write down my emotions, not mid-2000s teen romance gossip. 

Which is funny because I don’t have shit to write down. I still feel the same way I did yesterday. The only difference is the fact that I’ve tried to make myself stop thinking about the fact that I can’t die.

It just weirds me out.

Date: March 19th


	3. March 21st

Isn’t it weird how people are immensely different when they’re alone? I’ve never seen Roxy so much as breathe in the direction of a book before yesterday. She was just sitting in the living room, reading this big ass book. I think it was one of Rose’s books. I could tell by the cover.

I asked her about it, and apparently it was a romance novel. Not entirely surprising. I say not entirely because I can’t read her for the life of me. Is it a void player thing, or does she just know how to be unreadable?

In other news, Jane visited today, but I didn’t get to catch her. I was asleep, according to Roxy. Which is weird, since I clearly remember setting my alarm.

Speaking of Roxy, she moved into my house just yesterday. I guess she just got too worried about me. I’m glad she moved in, I guess, but now I have to deal with her piece of shit son. Harry’s okay, but talking to him is like talking to a living ball of toxic masculinity.

Who the hell made him like that? Oh, wait, Vriska did.

Whatever, not like we talk anyway. 

I know I said two days ago how I was trying to stop thinking about the whole ‘not dying’ thing, but… it just doesn’t leave me alone. I was thinking about it last night and holy shit. Roxy, Jane, John, Rose, everyone. We’re all going to outlive generations. They’ll see their great-great-grandkids one day. Not to mention the fact that Karkat’s going to die and Dave’s going to fucking snap or something. Same thing with Kanaya and Rose.

We’ll outlive our fucking planet. One day, Earth C is going to explode because the core collapsed on itself, and we’ll all be stuck, out in space. Not like we’ll play Sburb ever again. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t exist on Earth C yet.

I honestly hope it never exists. 

As much as I hate most of them, I don’t want the kids going through what we did.

Trauma’s a bitch.

Date: March 21st


	4. March 22nd

Hey. 

That’s a weird way of starting this off. Um… a lot of weird things happened today. It’s actually nighttime right now. I was busy crying, so I didn’t really have time to write anything down. I’ll get to the crying part in a second.

I forced myself out of bed this morning. I was planning on working on a new project, but my body/brain/whatever just wouldn’t let me. It just felt like a chore even though I wanted to do it. I have the blueprints mostly finished, it’s all a rough draft. I don’t think I’ll be working on it any time soon, though. So there’s weird thing number one.

Number two; Roxy came into my room to check up on me. That wasn’t the weird part, though. It was the fact that she just kind of sat there. I think I know why, but then again, I can’t read her for shit. She looked really worn out. Not really her bright and cheery self.

Three; The texture of stuffing feels overwhelmingly strange. I never noticed it, but it’s just such a gross texture. I really don’t like it.

Four; I had a breakdown. That’s where I started crying. It was super loud. Harry decided to invite some friends over and they wouldn’t shut up. Roxy was out and Harry either didn’t care or didn’t know that I was home. Nothing could block out the noise and all I could do was sit and wait for Roxy to get home. 

I was genuinely upset and I don’t know why. Anyway, Roxy got home a few hours ago and stopped the party. She came to check on me and helped me calm down.

I’m glad she’s still here for me.

Date: March 22nd


	5. March 27th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning: mentions/thoughts of suicide

I completely forgot about this. Shit. 

Whatever. It’s been five days, and, surprisingly, nothing too interesting has happened. Actually, that’s a lie. 

Remember when I said I’d been playing Tetris? Yeah, I’ve been getting pretty good at it. I decided to mess around with the code and accidentally fuck up the game, but I made it more difficult. That was kind of the first thing I’ve done without forcing myself to do it. It didn’t feel like a chore.

But I did notice that coding a game is a lot more difficult than coding an A.I.. Even if the code was already there, it used a different language than the one I used for Hal. I had to basically re-learn how to code because Tetris is quirky and refuses to use Java. 

Anyway, I guess I should talk about my feelings now. 

I’m still thinking about the not dying thing. I’m honestly really scared. I’m really only scared because I don’t like that the idea of there being an end isn’t there. There’s no certainty that I will die. 

I’ve started to see the things that could’ve killed me if I hadn’t godtiered. I never paid attention to anything that’s even remotely dangerous because I didn’t have to worry about it. But now I just… see everything. A loose string on one of the chandeliers in the museum, cliffs with unsuspected drops, a spilled drink and an open wire in the same place. These are all so stupid but every time I see them I just…

I guess I just want to know what it feels like. What it would do to me. 

I just want to know what would kill me for good. I’ve started being scared of being alive. 

I also think I have feelings for John.

Not my best decision.

Date: March 27th


	6. April 9th

Sorry for not writing anything. I moved and I lost my diary in all the junk. 

I guess that’s one update to my life from the last two weeks. I decided to move to a smaller house. I also managed to somehow convince Roxy that she could stay in my old house. She still checks up on me every day, but I don’t mind. 

I looked through this journal before I started writing and holy shit. I never really think when I write, I guess. Looking at that rant I wrote about the world exploding and surviving it really messed me up. It’s really weird to read the stuff I wrote, because I tend to not remember what I wrote the next day. Like I said, I never really think when I write.

Roxy took me and Harry to see John a few days ago. I don’t know why she dragged me along, but the thought of seeing John made me want to go. Is that a bad thing? I have a crush on my best friends ex-husband. I feel weird when I think about it.

Apparently it was so Roxy could fork Harry over to John for the weekend. Thank fuck. I feel kind of bad that John has to deal with someone like his son. I know he probably doesn’t mind, but it makes me sad because he’s just such a nice person. Wait shit. Sorry. 

Anyway, I found out that I really like the texture silk has. It’s really relaxing. I bought some silk curtains because of it. It’s kind of weird, but at least I like it. It’s my house, I do what I want. 

I also messed around with the code for Tetris again. I made everything different shades of red just for the hell of it. That was actually pretty relaxing to do. It didn’t feel like a chore, just like last time. Coding is really the only thing I can do right now that I don’t have to force myself to do. 

Speaking of, I started writing a new program. It’s one that’s similar to Hal, but not as much as an asshole. I might never use it, though. Can’t have another sentient A.I. bothering the shit out of me. 

That’s really it, to be honest. I’ve managed to suppress the thoughts about not dying. That’s good, I guess? I haven’t told anyone about them, though. I don’t feel comfortable doing that just yet.

I also found a cute cat that likes to hang out on my back porch. Named him Hotdog. 

April 9th


	7. April 11th

John’s birthday is in three days. I want to get him something, but I don’t know what. Maybe I can get him a salamander stuffed animal. 

Anyway, it’s actually pretty early right now. I was busy getting stuff for Hotdog yesterday. Well, I was really just struggling with which cat food is best. I just got some basic brand. 

I let him in last night because it was raining. He likes watching reality TV. Caught him watching ‘Keeping Up With the Crockers’ while I was making dinner. I don’t see the appeal. 

Jokes aside, he’s a pretty good cat. I’ll have to ask Roxy how to take care of him.

Anyway, I don’t really have anything new to write about feelings-wise. I’ve gotten a little better at getting out of bed when my alarm goes off, but it’s still hard. 

At least I’m trying.

April 11th


	8. April 20th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aaaaand we're back!! sorry for such a long hiatus ehvosejk  
> anyway  
> minor tw for mentions of scars

I can’t believe I forgot to write in this thing. Nine whole days of nothing. If this journal was a sentient A.I., it would’ve thought I was dead by now.

Speaking of sentient A.I., I did actually stop working on that other A.I. I started a few days ago. I made damn sure it wasn’t able to become sentient. It’s able to hold a conversation for a few minutes before it starts repeating itself. It sucks, but Hal is already annoying as it is, so it's for the best.

Anyway, I should probably talk about the party. John’s party, I mean. Not like I have to specify, because I’m the only one reading this journal. I mean, at least I hope so. I’m not really sure cats can read, though.

Either way, the party was nice. I’m glad not many people came. Also, I did get John a salamander plushie. He really liked it. I’m really happy that he did. He named it Casey, for whatever reason. Maybe it reminded him of someone he knew? I wouldn’t know. But we talked a lot at the party, which was really nice.

In other news, I never noticed the scars on my neck from my decapitations. It’s really weird to look at them. They’re a lot paler than my other scars. Almost completely white. Maybe it’s because I got them when I godtiered. I’d have to ask Rose, since she got stabbed when she was godtiered, too. 

I don’t really have much else to say. I’ve just been trying my best to not feel so sad all the time. John’s party definitely helped with that. Roxy has, too. And Hotdog, but he’s a cat. He makes good company.

April 20th


End file.
